(awaiting peer review)

Why are Vampires the Most Braindead Monster Concept of all Time?

It’s my opinion that Vampires are one of the worst mainstream monsters of all time while also being one of the best but only in specific instances where the vampire passes the Vampire Shittiness Ratio. Of course the bar is extremely low because really no mainstream monsters are that good. Mummies are dusty assholes, Zombies are lobotomized douchebags, and Frankenstein is just one guy who does nothing. Werewolves are kind of stupid but at least you have to go out of your way to get a silver bullet.

So why then, are Vampires the Objectively Worst creature. This question can be broken down into 4 categories: fang placement, “immortality,” blood consumption, and bat transformation.

Everyone knows sharp teeth are cool as hell, and the more of them you have, the better. That’s what makes chainsaw man so awesome besides the chainsaws.

Vampires have sharp teeth for biting you. Presumably. The innate coolness of sharp teeth depends on their placement. Some vampires have sharp canines, which places them at an advantage on the Vampire Shittiness Scale.

If the vampire has 2 front sharp teeth, they look like a fucking tool and are not worth another moment of consideration.

Pictured left: gay dickwipe --beavers’ #1 competitor in a tree gnawing contest

Pictured right: sex offender but at least his fangs are in the right place

Variations

If a vampire has all sharp teeth like Sharkboy from Sharkboy and Lavagirl--assuming they aren’t ugly as shit--I don’t know if that still makes them a vampire but they are probably cool as hell.

If a vampire has no fangs then What The Fuck Is The Point of It Being A Vampire.

What does it mean to be immortal? Wikipedia says it means to “live forever” and/or “not die.” Vampire immortality is a huge load of bullshit because vampires can very much die from most things all of the time.

Vampires going into the sun causes a similar reaction to putting a spoon in the microwave, rendering them dead as shit. They are also canonically weak to piece of shit wood sticks, fire, glorified addition signs, and churchwater. One olive garden breadstick is the vampire icarus equivalent of flying too close to the sun.

Vampires are also speculated to be weak to running water (??), the primal urge to count, not getting a handwritten birthday invitation to your living room, probably an old catholic woman in a frilly hat, tuesdays, tropical animals susceptible to cold climates, and most likely all ethnic foods other than bread and cheese.

Pictured above: Immortal my ass this guy looks pretty fucking dead to me.

The anemic assholes of the 17th century feared for their sweet sweet red blood cells, but now, transgenders, athletes, and the medically inclined have no reason tremble before the vampire under the bed, because losing like a mouthful of blood Isn't Actually A Big Deal, and a lot of people get blood drawn All The Time. I think a scarier concept at this point is probably a vampire with a transmittable disease than the bite boogieman.

Even if you were scared of slight pinching pain and nothing happening ever, classic vampires tend to be frail, gothic and British, giving you the physical, mental and evolutionary upper hand.

God forbid you have a broken popsicle stick on hand or practice christianity. I'm not even going to include a picture for this one because I don’t care.

Assuming vampires turn into vampire bats because what the fuck would be the point if they didnt, that would mean they can fly off into the night like assholes. But bats are native to climates near the equator, and vampires are often found in castles in the middle of fucking nowhere, usually in the cold. (Citations. Vampires in the Bronx-the Bronx, Lost boys-California but only at night and they wear jackets so it's probably cold, Original Dracula-some northern european shithole)

Basically if they turned into tropical bats they would immediately die pathetically of cold exposure.

Pictured below: I warned you about that northern climate bro. I told you dogg.

Jameson, Phil. 2022. Mario, the Idea vs. Mario, the Man,

Moist, “Cr1tiKal” Charlie. 2007-present. insightful youtube commentary (extremley rare),

Hussie, “dclussie” andrew. 2009. Various Paint Adventures,