personal hero

11|9|2023

Jackass

Have you ever been so profoundly impacted by a piece of art? Any pretentious paintsuckling idiot can walk into a gallery and fake a connection with a painting made from marbles. Would it take a deep sagacious soul, or an overexposure to paint thinner to create something inherently poetic? Is poetry even real? Well I’m about to drop the quizlet your underpaid high school teacher stole their test questions from, because here are the answers: paint thinner and no.

To truly create art one must turn within and pull out a true reflection of human spirit. When jim hensen stuffed those accursed muppets like an afton, he was stitching pure culture into the felt. Much like rome avril lavigne’s evil robot clone was not built in a day.

Jackass is a masterpiece. The human spirit to persevere through hardship and maybe shove a little toy car up your ass anyway. To be alive one must realize they are living. And hurdling down a street in a giant replica of a shopping cart with nothing but nipple pasties and tighty whities is a true display of man’s resilience. God has absolutely died if any man can have the hubris to be a member of the jackass team.

To see a man set a firework off out of his ass attached to his other friends dick, its how I imagine a really boring white woman feels about visiting new zealand. Literal zeal. A man is launched out of a comically big rocket; an anticlimactic dive directly into cactuses that were completely unnecessary for the bit. The pranks are the ouroboros of pure casual boyish cruelty: they genuinely never end. The 30 foot poisonous leopard snake was just to get you in the room knoxville, the curtain rises: the bull is waiting.

Not to mention the motley crew of jackass that truly makes the show virtually unbeatable. AFV can show you an old man falling off a ladder and getting severely injured, but alfonso ribeiro will never be wee man, and will also never hurdle down a slide atop preston lacey in a family guy-esque musical ending. Johnny Knoxville instantly fusing with the concrete in his rocket boots is a shooting star in this cold world. An inexplicably naked and severely battered beacon of hope.

10/10 indomitable human spirit, I also just like the minutemen

this was mostly hyperbolic but like 1 week after i wrote this I took so much that every time i take it now it instantly makes me sick

10|21|2023

Robitussin II

Robitussin was once the Sauske to my Naruto. The brad pitt to my edward norton. But as the deeply analytical repressed adults on Ao3 slowly cracked these characters, and revealed the true feelings, my contempt for robitussin developed into something new: love.

Its no secret that I like cough syrup because I mention it frequently and am really annoying about it. but as the cold season approaches yet again, the stiff yet disgustingly empty robitussin packages begin to pile up on my desk. I try to convince myself its for my cold, my sore throat, my sore heart. I yearn for the active ingredients.

Very much akin to robert pattinson and his thirst for a partially mute and discomforting christian girl’s blood, I see the robitussin bottle on my desk and I turn my cheek. I must hold back. I smell the artificial cherry flavor, the desire is overwhelming. I grit my teeth and hold my own ravenous hand back because its like 11 in the morning and its starting to get sad.

I can’t imagine codeine is a remotely sustainable vice, especially when I mix it with nicotine like a vapeless middle schooler trying to catch up for lost time in the school bathroom.

Robitussin is my cross to bear. I look at the green label with the same hunger the fat kids in heavyweights look at what lean meat remains on ben stiller. I cannot be satiated.

5/10 substance abuse iminent

godspeed you tiny saint

5|16|2023

Psycholonials

Clearly andrew hussie is a visionary and completely ahead of their time

To start off, Z is a much more, relatable, compelling and tougher character than norton. while norton was jerking himself and getting the living shit beaten out of him in a basement, Z was a raging boner in a sea of sad flaccid united states government territory, waging a war for the home of whimsyville shitcircus or whatever. norton doesn't remember much of what happens because he is weak. Mentally. but zhen is a much more powerful entity, because she drinks her problems away. She is just as schizophrenic but more resourceful in a way that she uses tools to overcome her problems, like liquor and cringe posting, which takes immense mental fortitude. The creative direction is also much more interesting, as if wes anderson himself came down from his comically tall directors chair and took fight club in a more interesting direction. For instance norton and zhen both raise a militia but zhen takes over an island and they are all clowns. She also has various war machines which is pretty tight.

Now lets look for a moment at two complex mirrored characters: boobie bob and mizzlebip, while their roles are very similar, boobie bob dies instantly, whereas mizzlebib (godspeed you tiny saint) can pilot an apache helicopter, while having a very visually compelling design. Hussie also takes psycholonials in a very advanced direction in the end, because where norton shoots himself in the head, zhen goes to fiji and marries abby, which i think is a very immense and detrimental could-have-been in fight club.

The movie was also lacking in supporting cast after boobie bob, whereas David hasslehoof and various other clowns were deeply enriching to psycholonials plot.

10/10 Everything fight club wanted to be

im gonna bazing my brains out

5|17|2023

Math algorithms and reconnecting with my mentally slow inner child

If you could believe it, i, the genius behind the google document, am a college student. now don’t pack your hobo sack and leave for greener, younger and stupider pastures just yet, because the sweet dropout sirens song drags my ship further into the world’s shallowest coral reef every passing month. That being said, I tend to arrange the most low effort schedules and easy classes I can possibly coerce from poor soul suckingly underpaid community college councelors, like a fucking covert cocaine trade on the border that is the student counceling website. Overall I would highly reccommend having extremely low standards for yourself academically because I’ve dodged many classes I wouldve otherwise taken like an academically competent sheep to the herd. But I fucked up on this fine semester. It was all lined up for me, a teaching class where you learn to teach elementary school math. Same credits as drolling mandatory statistics, but easier math, right? So I fucking thought.

Do you remember tear soaked homework assignments in 5th grade, as your parent(s) yelled at you across the pages of your mcgraw hill math textbook. This shit is harder than elmer fudds cartoon boner when bugs bunny crossdresses for the 100th fucking episode to trick him into whatever rake-stepping dynamite involved gag he’s about to succumb to next. Do you remember that shitty gameshow “are you smarter than a 5th grader?” Turns out you arent, fucking none of us are because teaching 5th graders in america’s sick fucking 2023 society is like teaching thermodynamics to a fucking NASA engineer. God forbid they have to tell time on a clock, at least they could tell you how to do 3 digit subtraction using only addition and the power of nines.

Ultimately learning this mathematical bullshit instead of just biting the bullet and surveying people for statistics like a “rate-me” tik toker whos about to get shot and killed has taught me not only a lot of math, but also how fucking stupid I was when I was 10.

5/10 i failed the class

NO MOMM DONT COME INTO MY ROOM WITHOUT KNOCKING

4|14|2023

Anime figures

If you asked me how to get the closest reaction to cocaine addiction possible with just molten pvc plastic I would hand you a goodsmiles anime figure mold. There’s nothing more useless on this earth that compels people to open their wallet than figures, they do nothing and sit there, and yet when the hobby lobby zoro figure box is half opened from some braindead customer that gave up on stealing it, there’s a divine and compelling force that causes you to put the little assembly pieces in your waistband and walk out of the store.

When you look at a guy who has 56,000 mysteriously sticky rem figures in his room, you truly cannot help but wonder why this shit isn’t regulated, because clearly they’re just pouring pure powdered nicotine into the boxes, so when you open it up it hits you like a fucking tumbler millenial’s glitter bomb envelope hitting their sworn enemy.

3/10 itches arm tweakerly

my honest fucking reaction

12|11|2022

Power outages

If you’ve ever wanted to surprise larp a sick victorian child in a little nightgown wandering around by candlelight do I have a solution for you. Nothing makes life better than when the power goes out once a goddamn month because a storm rolls in and downs like 5 power lines and then there's just actual live wires murdering the shit out of bears and probably a person every few years.

0/10 i wont survive the winter

12|10|2022

Putting off my work to write reviews of stuff that means nothing

When my english proffessor announces yet another essay, and my figure drawing 4 hour piece i was supposed to be working on all week is due in 4 hours, there is nothing more gratifying and completely unproductive than hopping on google docs to rate another bullshit item that I didn’t even have an opinion on until i made one up on the spot out of obscure references and douchebaggy quips that would only come out of the mouth of some asshole named dave strider who was funny in 2009.

Call me tyler durdin because nothing gives my life meaning like making about 3 long-winded jokes to myself about some fucking guy, reading it back to myself and then letting out the most pathetic half wind chuckle like im in the front row seating of a john mulaney stand up routine, just trying to pretend i didnt already hear this joke 14 times with various character sprites superimposed over the audio. These reviews are my durden liposuction soap and glycerin bombs. When you see me pumping out these reviews like disney pumps out the first gay character ever every few weeks basically just imagine me beating the shit out of myself. Just going apeshit and destroying a conveniently placed glass coffee table that is in my room for some reason. Also maybe chemically burning myself a little but let's not get too into the analogy here.

2/10 academic downfall incoming

sweet wooze nectar

12|5|2022

Robitussin

When it was beddy-bye in the flu season, and toddler-me was being tucked into bed, one big fucking mouthful of this shit was the bane of my existence. The flavor has always been akin to how your head feels during a heroin withdrawal. A headache on the tongue.

Being sick and in a rare moment of weakness (throat hurt a little) I downed this goopy hellspawn today because I'm an adult and adults don't bitch and moan about shit like cough syrup flavor unless they use twitter in which case they bitch and moan about everything.

Anyway I noticed that the “raspberry” flavor didn’t taste like needing water to cleanse the resigoo out of my mouth. It actually tasted closer to grape tylenol except red and slightly worse. (I love grape tylenol)

In conclusion my brain’s robitussin judgment center grew 3 sizes today or whatever the grinch said.

FUCK the honey flavor though i know that whole foods reject-tussin is still ass.

9/10 rivals to lovers

depicted: the soulless robot we let amogsnt our fleshy ranks

12|1|2022

Micheal Cera

It's not everyday that you see a person perfectly reminiscent of a globe. The reason as to how Cera became a celebrity is most likely the highly debated 8th wonder of the world.

So right off the bat I’m assuming that Micheal Cera is actually a puppet, because the top… 10 or so photos (I didn’t bother looking at his crooked mug on google images for more than 2 seconds) are from the neck up. I’m guessing his celebrity appearances are like kermit the frog coming onto a talk show, and they just roll out a little piece of shit cart with jim henson inside doing his pathetic and meager cera character voice, and everyone just assumes that he’s too short for the podium or something and not that he’s about 5 pounds of silicone muppet magic with a hand slot.

Either that or his mom drank everclear every night before bed because his philtrum is looking pretty unfortunate.

Even though he was probably just an applebee's busboy that got kidnapped by hollywood executives because the CIA wasn’t finished building tom holland yet, how he became an A list celebrity is completely beyond me. I mean I'll hand him scott pilgrim but he even voiced robin number 34923058 in lego batman. Even his voice is fundamentally associated with weakness.

Anyway I just found out he has a musical career to go hate-listen to so review over.

7/10 definitely not human

homoerotic tension of the 90’s (notice subtle cock glance)

12|4|2022

Fight Club

I’ve seen way more entertaining mentally ill meltdowns in viral twitter threads’ hidden replies. That said, the movie’s alright and the stunts are pretty good. You can really tell that the person on screen is just getting the living shit beaten out of them or getting their balls cut off or whatever.

I will say brad pitt was kind of a slut the whole time. Between the low pants and unnecessary amount of sex scenes I'm guessing they probably just had brad pitt act out everything naked and edited pants and a blazer on later to save money. The movie really tries to sell you on his douchebag “do-what-you-want” attitude by showing you various awesome petty crimes he commits like peeing in soup for some reason and living in an abandoned shitmanor crackhouse where he makes his biohazard soap and also bombs.

Not really sure why they became terrorists but I thought the credit card debt thing was kind of a good idea. The human sacrifice thing seemed a little classist like maybe the gas station guy couldn't afford to go back to animal school or whatever but i guess their stunts and other terrorist attacks were kinda cool. RIP boobie bob.

I can definitely see how this might change your life and make you want to go fight someone in a parking lot if you were a 19 year old boy in 1999 whose entire personality is liking movies and mainstream music. Anyway I think brad pitt and ed norton should've kissed at the end.

5/10 NEED to go punch holes in my wall

depicted: the last thing i saw on thanksgiving weekend before my cousin's dab pen finally destroyed my critical thinking abilities

12|3|2022

netflix inside job

This show goes a moderate amount of hard.

Ill partake in a little family guy on occasion, but I fucking hate american adult animations because theyre always these stiff unfunny shitstorms that make lin manuel look like a screenwriting god.

Well I guess he is considered a “screenwriting god”, but only to people who have no discernible personality traits. Hamilton songs are like the rap equivalent of meth. Yeah they’re catchy but why would you go out of your way to do meth and burn little meth holes in your skin when ecstasy is right there and is basically probably the same except less charred brain tunnels.

Anyway, inside job most likely could not have been written better for what it is. The jokes usually land despite a lot of them being close to jokes that most definitely wouldn’t land if you weren’t a 30 year old woman who goes to disneyland biannually. The dialogue is actually pretty funny and none of the voice actors sound like they're about to pass out on their 4th xanax tab.

The art style doesn’t keep little kids up at night like some kind of bug eyed big mouth character slipping into your dimly lit room with his 3 drawn mustache hairs and his cock-demon following him like ryuk from death note. When the characters actually move you can really tell they didnt embezzle half the budget to do coke on epstein island instead of just using all 14 million to just make the fucking show.

Overall pretty good. Netflix if you're not gonna do the world a favor and go bankrupt at least give us another season of this instead of whatever indie film bullshit you're about to get in trouble for next.

10/10 was feeling creative